Here's another one for the archives:

"Re-Posted. Much better then before!"

Dear NCIS Fandom,

I spent all of yesterday evening reading through your archives. I read stories in every pairing, yes, even Gibbs/Fornell (what was I thinking? no, what were you thinking?), hoping to find something good (other than the few good authors I already know and who, btw, haven't written things in way too long).

Instead, I broke my brain.

Isn't it bad enough that these things are written? Do you have to go out of your way to point them out to me?

It's really not doing any of us any good if I read your recs and they suck and then my brain hurts and I have to run to the kitchen to find a spoon to spork out my eyes (< Alan Rickman>"Because it's dull, you twit. It'll hurt more..."< /Alan Rickman >), and then I can't even watch the show anymore, and if I can't watch the show anymore because I had to spork out my eyes from reading too much bad fic, maybe I, too, like you, dear fandom, will forget who these characters really are, and will start liking your badfic, and that would make me sad.

So please stop recommending these things.

While we are at it, I could make you a list of people who should start writing altogether. You know, so you wouldn't be tempted to recommend them anymore.

Just for the record:

  • This: "watching as Tony’s eyes glazed over in fear, unshed tears threatening to spill onto his bruised cheeks." is not a sentence that should ever have crossed my or anyone else's eyes.

  • "Moist cavern" is not a very appealing description for any part of Tony' body.

  • Unless you are having a nervous breakdown like I had above (you try breaking your brain without having a nervous breakdown), punctuation is not optional. Neither is spelling. Not even if you are only posting a request at a ficfinding community. Gibbs would have your ass if you were writing reports like most people in you, dear fandom, write fic, lj entries, comments, feedback or their names. Though maybe that's what you are after.

  • If you are remembering a fic where Gibbs gives Tony a headslap and Tony suffers a panic attack as a consequence, close your eyes and think of Spain. Or Mexico. Or Tony and Gibbs having sex in Spain. Or Mexico. Do NOT ask other people where to find it so you can read it again. Not that I don't understand the need to read weird badfic sometimes, but puhleeease, you are way beyond overdoing it.
    (if anyone knows any fic where Gibbs impregnates Tony, drop me a mail. I can't ask at NCISficfind, I think they hate me over there. Though I think I only answered that one time with "We are sorry to inform you that you have been thrown out of fandom for putting terrible out-of-character ideas into fellow fannish minds. Do not pass go, take your badfic request and leave. A Marine will escort you out." Maybe I should have done that more often.)

  • And I haven't even been reading!

I could go on, but I think I will spare us all the pain.

On the other hand, I recently found [ profile] thehoyden, an author whose fic is quite lovely, quiet, in character, not rushing things with love declarations and first time sex in the elevator. At least as far as I can judge from the two fics I have found. (Have you kept any other potentially good authors from me? You know I haven't been around much lately, I need you to tell me about things.

So, fandom, maybe there's hope for you yet. I won't give up, you know, I love you too much. You are, after all, the fandom to my favorite TV-show (which is currently running, don't make me decide between you and SG-1). And as such, I will stay with you until the bitter end. I just wish that you'd make the time until that end a little easier.

Love, always,


P.S.: I feel the need to point out that you are most welcome to unfriend me over this. Everyone has a right to their opinion, which includes you. I'm just seriously amused that someone should get offended by this. Unless it's someone whose fic I was quoting, but really, THAT sentence does not deserve compassion.
"Daniel, you do know that I could get Court Marshaled for this, don't you?"

Who the hell is Court Marshaled? And what can he do that Daniel can't?

*searches Aspirin against early morning badfic experience*

In other news, I watched Danielle Steel's Family Album yesterday. I know, I have the worst DVD collection ever. But it's not really a bad movie... *pauses* But it's despite everything a quite enjoyable movie, and it has an adorable young Joe Flanigan (who, sadly, looks exactly like my brother. Thank god he looks different in SGA). It felt like the right thing to do on a Sunday evening, and it was. I swear, there is not one scenario in this movie that hasn't been explored in fanfic.
Dear writer,

it's bad enough that you are using the term "the elder man" to describe one of the characters in your fic.

It's even worse that you are using it in a scene where someone has fingers in places of said "elder man" that I cannot mention without putting this under a cut-tag (I'm prude, sue me).

But if all this happens when you are writing Jensen/Jared porn, and the "elder man" in question is Jensen Ackles, then that's just wrong. Incredibly, undescribably wrong. WRONG.

Usually it's the pictures in my head that I need to scrub away after reading bad porn, but this has offended my whole sense of language and writing and just everything so much that I'm almost afraid to read any other porn today, for fear this might happen again. Or that I could start thinking about innocent other characters as "the elder man" when I'm reading porn.

You RUINED my Saturday porn reading!

No love
oceana: (Default)
( Aug. 17th, 2006 12:00 pm)
NCIS fic makes me cry. Cry cry cry. And SCREAM!

OMG What is WRONG with this fandom???

I'm beginning to think that all the others fandoms have taken their worst badfic writers and send them to write NCIS fic. Honestly, the fic is so bad that I'd be happy about beagles. That's how bad it is.

oceana: (Default)
( May. 8th, 2006 06:11 pm)
Went to to torture myself find new exciting NCIS fiction. After the first one that promised me a "real, actual plot this time" and the second one which started with an OC called Sara McLean, I decided that I could have just as much fun reading summaries, without giving myself the headache of actually reading the fic.

Here's what I found: )

Oh, this is just too much fun. I have to stop or my brain will explode from all the fun.

(Somebody give me something to read! Please!)
Now it is my turn to wriht a story abaut Tony and His father. Sorry to say that it is not as good i i haped it woud be.

No kidding.

"Tony, which you make there?"
"nothing, boss."
"German? Since when do you learn German? Porno? Does what I think that it am called?, mean "
Tony stared to Gibbs innocently on.
"it is all Abby's debt! She said, I am my dear stories as Porno marked out!"
"however why on German? You can do nevertheless none German."
"that is not a problem. there is this nice small program, Babelfish, translates everything completely automatically. Do you see?"
Tony pointed to a Sex Scene, which he had translated straight.
"I set it for me on the head and her hop three times backwards on the bed to her came" read out Gibbs.
"Tony." Gibbs said. "you will stop immediately to write German pornography. And this evening you come to me home, and I show you, how one translates that correctly. However you would have to again describe me for it the scene, which you mean. Best "
" Uhm play." Tony swallowed and became red. "do you play the Mrs., boss?"
oceana: (Default)
( Jun. 5th, 2005 04:32 pm)
Her name is Kate. K A T E.

It's not Cait. And not Kait. And really not Caite.

Her full name is Caitlin. Not Katelyn, Caitlynn, Kaitlin or Kaitlynn. I'm not making these up, and is not the only place you can find them.

Know how I know "so much" about her? I went to the official site and looked it up. Sneaky, isn't it? I know, that might be too much trouble for some of you little writers out there, but really, all you need to do is ask. I'll be happy to help you spelling the character's names correctly.

*drips sarcasm*
oceana: (Default)
( Mar. 11th, 2005 03:08 pm)
NCIS fic quote of the day:
Gibbs rushed into the bullpen; with an invisible puff smoke in his trail.

If anyone's wondering where I am, I'm sleeping. Or I was sleeping. Sleep and work, that was all I did this week. Yes, it was as boring as it sounds.
Now I'm waiting for a friend who'll stay with me this weekend, so again no time to lj.
BTW, [ profile] castalie?
If we are going to meet, it would have to be next weekend, then I'm going back home.

Out walks Oceana, with an invisible puff smoke in her trail.
I'm desperate, so I went to again. Instead of finding Abby-fic (what were the chances of that anyway), I find this:

Tony still hadn't moved, so Gibbs unbuckled him and coaxed him out of the car and led him to his door.

Excuse me? Is Tony his dog? Cause, you know, I buckle up my dog in the car, and sometimes I have to "coax" him to get out of it. But I sure as hell never buckled up any of my boyfriends. Even when they were drunk they were able to do that themselves.

Also, I still have the voice problem. Mark Harmon says "Stay tuned for scenes of our next episode" and I go all, "sure, whatever you say, let me be your slave, Master."
I really don't think me going to a NCIS convention would be a good idea at this point. Should there ever be one.
oceana: (Default)
( Feb. 14th, 2005 06:37 pm)
I was looking for Gibbs/Abby fic (don't ask), and after searching the archive without success, I decided to give a try.

You don't even have to read the fics anymore, the summaries provide enough entertainment for weeks: )

I'm laughing so hard that there are tears running down my face. Tell me why I haven't done this before? This is priceless.

Still no Gibbs/Abby though.
oceana: (Default)
( Feb. 4th, 2005 09:05 pm)
I'm trying to read Biblio, because many people whose opinions I value have told me that her fic really isn't that bad.

Okay, let's see, first page:
"He was the one who’d vocally insisted on gating out here to be the big bad protector of the innocent young archaeologist"

"Carter rushed to excuse her beloved little brother's complete absence of perspective on the current situation,"

"Daniel was so thrilled to be stranded he was bouncing. "The way those golden tones bathe the stones of the temple,"Daniel sighed dreamily."

And this is where I stop.
I can excuse the first one as a joke.
I can excuse the Sam comment as a desperate attempt to make clear that this won't be a ship fic.

But I have NEVER ever seen Daniel sigh "dreamily" or do anything that resembled bouncing. He gets excited, yes, but there is really no bouncing.

And the worst thing is that the story actually sounds interesting, the writing itself isn't bad. But I simply don't have enough time to read these kind of fics when there are so many better things to read.
oceana: (Default)
( Jan. 31st, 2005 08:35 pm)
If your find yourself writing something like

"Who are you and what have you done to [insert name here]?"

you better stop writing right there, because obviously your characterization is so far off that even the protagonists realize it.

Just a thought.
oceana: (Default)
( Dec. 5th, 2004 06:37 pm)
If someone doesn't write me NCIS fic soon I'm going to die.
I'm already reduced to You know, the wonderful site with fics like:

Ding Dong The Wedding Bells Ring )

I haven't read anything at since my Buffy days. I wonder why. This is way too much fun.
You know why I'm not posting?
It's because I'm not working. Working requires me sitting in front of the computer, leading to me thinking of doing anything but work, resulting in lots of posts.
This week?
Not so much. Did exactly nothing. Except for lots of dates, don't ask why. Let's just say, the love goddess thing is not yet working out the way I planned, but there's progress.

Anyway, I just came home from a half-date (my date thought it was a date, I didn't, huh), and remembered that I hadn't checked Area 52 in a while.

And what do my sore eyes see?

The infamous Anne Isabelle has updated again! )

I really, really recommend this story. Afterwards, the world seems like a much saner place.

And Orrymain has updated again?
Does she ever stop writing? She can't be real, it's probably a consortium of mistreated beagles wanting to take revenge on mankind. Why they chose to start with the Stargate fandom remains a mystery.

The new story is...539kb??? She writes 539kb in 8 days????
The mind boggles.

I think I need to sleep now. Wish me sweet dreams, of giggling beagles circling in white buckets.

P.S.: If there was any good fiction posted last week, could you let me know, please?
Who knew behind the geek beat the heart of Julia Child, or maybe it was Martha Stewart?

I'm crying. See me cry?
And the worst thing is, I love kidfic so much that I will continue reading this piece of crap. For at least another twenty lines. *cries*
Life is so unfair.
oceana: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2004 05:18 pm)
Area 52 got updated again. Actually it was updated two days ago, but I didn't notice until now, because Duncan and Methos won't leave me now, so all I did during the last days way watch Highlander and read D/M slash. And horsemen fic!
There are days when I can't stop obsessing about the Horsemen. It's all "kronoskronoskronos" and "methosmethosmethos" and "kronosmethoskronosmethosaTHOUSANDyearskronosmethosduncankronosnowthenwhyhowhuhsexkronoscrazysexmethosduncanadslkhsdkljsfhödsakjghöapouega" AAAHHH Somebody please make it stop!

Seriously, my head feels like it's going to explode. Would it seem totally unreasonably if I stopped working and dedicated my life to watching Highlander over and over again?

Right, I'll stop. Stargate. Now.

So, Area 52 was updated.I haven't really had tíme to read any of the fic, what with Kronos and Duncan and Methos doing things in my head all day long, but there is new Gigi, The Grrrl, Joa G and Eos, so I'm sure there is something for your taste. Also, Affinity has written Stargate Atlantis, which I'd read in an instant, but it is spoilerish for "The Storm", and I haven't seen that ep yet.

And then I saw that Anne Isabelle has released a new masterpiece! Anne Isabelle, the author of such fabulous works as "Jack the Cat", "Fishing and Sex" and the unforgettable "Three Men and Two Babies", in which Teal'c fathers Jack and Daniel's children. Such lovely fics, such wonderful writing.

Let's see what she has for us today:
Aveo Amacuse.
O'Neill smirked, "Greedy Danny! Have someone ever give you a blow job before?"

See, that is what I call great sex! Jack loses his ability to speak correct english because Daniel is driving him crazy.
Then she gets rid of the nasty Sam problem. Because, you know, Sam is evil and things. It only takes one sentence or two to sum up Sam's feelings for Jack:

Carter was completely broken. She thought that Jack O'Neill was in love with her just like she was in love with him, but thought that he was too shy to tell her, or not ready yet to love someone after his divorce following his son's tragic death, but never had she thought that O'Neill didn't love her, but was in love with Daniel, Never!
(Okay, I changed that sentence a little, I thought it would be even more perfect without any full stops. Maybe I should become her beta reader? Oh, if she'd only let me near these works of beauty.)

Actually, I fear that she has gotten herself a beta reader, because this story, well, as bad as it is, at least there are no babies sucking on Jack nipples. That image has burned itself into my brain, and not in a good way. What will I do, if Anne Isabelle stops writing bad bad fic and starts writing just average bad fic? Where will be the fun in that?

Going back to Duncan and Methos now.
BTW, I'll have Pumpkin-Gorgonzola-Risotto for dinner, if anyone wants to join me... :-)
Bags are packed, ebookman is full with slashy goodness, got my plane tickets, Nice, here I come!
But before I go, here's another little public service announcement for those of you who don't check out Area 52 for updates daily. Me? Obsessed?

Yes, Area 52 got updated again.
We've got the absolutely wonderful Jack/Daniel/Sam fic "Wheel" by Brighid, which you should all read now if you haven't done so. Hits all my kinks. Not the kinky ones, just all the things I like about the characters and fiction.

Other familiar faces I see are Nicci, Kylie Lee, Ximeria and Sage.
I think I read Sage's "East of Rock" when she posted it on her LJ, can't really remember, but you can't go wrong with Sage, her fics are always good.
You should definitely check out Nicci's fic, because it comes with one of her wonderful manipulations.
Kylie Lee has Jack/Paul hotness for us, which is wrong and forbidden and hot. Of course, I can't read it again, because while I'm very willing to share Daniel (Slut!), I can't see Jack with anyone else, unless Daniel is dead or married. But I can assure you that it is a good fic.

Or you could read this: Cut for badfic quote )

Then there is Stargate Atlantis fic by Leah. I don't know the author at all, but I heard good things about her, so I'm going to check this out when I come back from my vacation.

BTW, I recced one of my favourite X-files stories over at [ profile] oceanas_recs, and because it is so good, I thought I'd announce it here as well. So, if you want to revisit the x-files, especially the Mulder/Krycek part of them, you might want to do so now.

Be good while I'm gone, I'll be back on Tuesday. Tell me if something important happens (like J/D's wedding night, now that they are married). Don't tell me if fandom explodes, I don't want to know. Is there even new Stargate this Friday?
oceana: (Default)
( Aug. 28th, 2004 05:54 pm)
The Highlander couldn't help his curiosity upon hearing this statement.
"Who was the last person you made love to?"

Methos fell silent at this query.
Noting the reluctance in his lover, Duncan hastily said, "I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

But the ancient didn't want to keep secrets from him anymore.
"Byron...and, before that, it was Kronos."

*bangs head against wall repeatedly*

Then, the shocking admission:
With Byron, it was just sex."

Methos! I'm shocked! How could you!
Finally the romantic part begins:

Take me, Duncan! I want you to put your finger inside my ass!"
Methos cried out again as Duncan poked his prostate.

I swear, I'm not making this up. Just quoting. Though I left out a few sentences, but trust me, they weren't important.
I'm having way too much fun with this. ;-)


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