There were so many things wrong with this movie, I hardly know where to start. But the most important is probably this:
This is TheOriginalFace with TheOriginalCorvette:
Face is played by Dirk Benedict.
He is pretty.
The corvette is played by an original 1984 corvette C4, 205hp, 393 Nm at 2800/min.
It is pretty.
is a 2009 Corvette C6 ZR1, 638hp, 819 at 3.800/min.
It is very pretty.
Not a corvette.
(this would be a 2008 Geiger-tuned Z06 Black Edition, which is all kinds of pretty:
But I digress.
Face should have been driving a corvette.
In fact, he didn't drive any car at all. The only one who was driving a car at all was BA, and he was driving that horrible orange Italian things above, and even that only for a minute.
I don't even have words.
I want my money back.
So, now that we've established that there was no corvette, let's see what else was wrong with the movie:
This is Face.
He is pretty.
(and OMG look at those non-existing shorts! I'll never complain about 80s fashion again...)
is not Face.
He is also not pretty. (although photoship wants to make you think otherwise.)
We shall call him the F-Face, as in "The Failed Face".
This is Colonel John Hannibal Smith.
He loves it when a plan comes together.
I love it when his plans comes together.
Actually, I love everything about him, and he has the bluest eyes ever, and he is very pretty. (Face also loves everything about him, and I love that, too.)
is not Hannibal.
He doesn't have a plan. (seriously, F-Face has the plan. There are no words.)
He is also not pretty.
We shall call him the Fannibal, as in "The Failed Hannibal".
(but the F-Face thinks he is pretty, and he seems to love everything about him, which I'm willing to enjoy a little.)
This is H.M. Murdock, aka as Howlin' Mad Murdock.
He is crazy.
And really kind of attractive, if you are attracted to competent people, which I am, and he is the best pilot ever. So I'm kinda attracted to that.
He is about, hm, 35, I'd say?
is not Murdock.
He can't even pretend to be crazy.
He is also not a very good pilot, but the special effects people helped him out a lot.
We shall call him FM Murdock, as in "Failed in a Major way Murdock".
Wikipedia says that he is 36, but in reality he's at least 49. And that's only because I'm being nice.
This is B.A. Baracus, aka Bosco Bad Attitude Baracus.
He does not need an introduction.
is not B.A.
He doesn't deserve an introduction.
We shall call him FA, which doesn't need an explanation at this point.
Hannibal (<3 *g*), Face, BA and HM Murdock have fought together in Vietnam. In 1972, their (crack commando) unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
In 2010, Fannibal and F-Face are on some sort of mission or something that I didn't get in Mexico. FA is driving a Lamborghini to pick up his VAN.
(this is the VAN, I almost forgot, shame on me.
It is still the VAN. Some things never change, yay!)
Anyway, FA was driving a Lamborghini to pick up his VAN. Don't ask. He beats up a lot of people to get to his VAN. Don't ask about that either. Then he drives through the desert (which, contrary to what you may have heard, not in Germany.), where he meets Fannibal, who shoots him in the arm.
I'd tell you not to ask, but I know that you will.
So, Fannibal shoots him, because he wants to VAN (who doesn't), and he doesn't know FA. This would not have happened if it had been B.A., and not F.A., because B.A. doesn't need an introduction, since everyone knows him. Fannibal and FA then find out that they are both Rangers, and FA even knows Fannibal. And calls him Sir.
I admit that I kinda liked that.
Fannibal and FA then go and rescue F-Face, who is in a bit of trouble, because he (please send your little kids out of the room now), as is EXPLICITLY mentioned, slept with some Mexican bad guys wife. This would never have happened to the A-Team, where all sex is strictly off-screen and PG-rated and where Face only ever makes out with girls (well, every girl he sees), but everyone knows that the only sex he really has is with Hannibal.
Then Fannibal, F-Face and FA go to pick up FM Murdock in a mental hospital. They don't know him, but Fannibal has heard that he is the best chopper pilot there is. Yes, he does not know him until that point. No, I will not comment on that any further. Well, they find FM. Murdock and they all take off in a hospital helicopter. Yes, FA flies. In the helicopter.
(you'd think that I'd have had a little heart attack at this point, and I did, but it wasn't because of the flying FA, no, it was because FM Murdock destroyed the VAN during the escape.
There are no words for my pain.
I would have left, but I was still hoping for a corvette to save the day at least a little bit. Had I only known.)
FM Murdock proves that he really isn't such a good pilot, not only by destroying the VAN, but also by almost throwing FA out of the helicopter, which makes FA decide that he'll never fly again, so at least that's cleared. (but, seriously, almost falling out of helicopter making someone afraid to fly? What kind of heroes are they?)
We are somewhere in Iraq.
If you are going to ask how the F-Team, especially with the Oh-So-Crazy-FM Murdock ended up as a Ranger Unit in Iraq, don't. I can't tell you. (because I have no freaking idea.)
I can tell you however that F-Face is very concerned with working on his tan, and that FM Murdock makes a pathetic attempt to annoy FA with a sockpuppet, and that Fannibal thinks that if he chews enough cigars he'll come up with a plan. (to his credit, he does come up with a pretty cool plan). The plan is to steal back U.S. treasury plates and about a billion dollars in cash from Iraqi surgents, which they are ordered to do by
Enter completely useless female character stage left:
This is Amy Allen.
She is pretty.
Nobody ever slept with Amy (well, nobody from The A-Team), so we never really knew what she was doing on the show. Or, to say it with the words of George Peppard, aka Colonel John Hannibal Smith:
"whenever the studio slips an actress on to the team, she becomes a distraction. She always slows down the action. She's someone who's only there for the glamor shots. Everything stops for the sexy smiles – and I can't see why that's necessary on The A-Team."
(as a feminist, I, of course, cannot condone such a statement. As a fan of the show, I completely agree. Even though I always liked Amy.)
is not Amy.
She's also not pretending to be Amy.
F-Face once slept with her (he may even have said something about "when things got serious", but I was holding my ears closed, singing lalalalala, when he did), so we have no idea what she is still doing there. Apparently, she is a Captain in the US Army. Yes, that's her Captain uniform she's wearing there. Had I known they were wearing leather and not that nasty green, I'd have joined the army when I had the chance. (ok, I never had the chance, seeing how I'm not an American for starters).
She tells F-Face not to go near the plates. No, I don't know why either. Probably so the producers had a reason to have at least one female character in the movie, which certainly wasn't necessary. See quote above.
At least she's pretty.
Unfortunately, someone steals the plates, blows up the money and the F-team is arrested.
I'll skip the parts where Agent Lynch (*tired laugh*) helps Fannibal escape from prison, who then helps FA, F-Face and FM Murdock escape from their prisons. (yes, they didn't even get to go to one prison. How can they have lots of gay sex with each other when they are not in the same prison? This is all wrong!)
(Okay, maybe not the part where they help FM Murdock escape by driving through a wall at the same time that the VAN is driving towards FM and other inmates who are watching a 3d movie of the A-Team, because that was kinda cool.)
The F-Team then tries to recover the plates that being held at the famous Königsbank in Frankfurt am Main, Germany. (say what?)
Time for a little geography lesson, for those of you who have never been to Germany, have no way of asking someone from Germany and cannot google. Like, the producers of F-Team, the movie.
This is Frankfurt am Main:
is not Frankfurt am Main.
We shall call it Cologne, because that's what it is called. (but they were only off by, oh, 200 kilometers or so, and I know that for Americans that's like right around the corner, so really, who cares about these little details.)
I would also show you pictures of a lake and mountains that may or may not have been in Germany, but they certainly aren't anywhere near Frankfurt am Main. Or Cologne.
To end today's geography lesson, I'll shortly mention that there is a second city called Frankfurt in Germany, and no, it does not have the same license plate as Frankfurt am Main. So unless the people from the other Frankfurt are suddenly flocking to Frankfurt am Main, there is no reason for all cars in Frankfurt am Main having the license plate of the other Frankfurt. Also, not everyone in Germany drives a Mercedes. (I know, it's hard to believe.), and the US embassy is Germany's capital, which is Berlin, not Frankfurt. (I know! Who'd have thought?!?!)
And most Germans do not speak Norwegian. Certainly not with each other. Just saying.
(yes, I know, these are little, unimportant details. After all, we are only the fourth largest economy in the world, so why should the oh-so-important people in Hollywood care?)
Things blow up, people get hurt (*cries*), FA has a little crisis of faith and Fannibal quotes Ghandi (WTF doesn't even begin to cover it). F-Face is still not driving a corvette and FM Murdock doesn't do much at all.
In the end, the F-team blows up lots of things, gets arrested again and then threatens to live on as soldiers of fortune. I can only hope that doesn't mean there'll be a sequel.
If you made it this far (imagine, I had to sit through the whole movie!), you deserve a treat:
TheOriginalFace and HM Murdock having fun with guns:
TheOriginalFace taking Hannibal's pants off:
(and look how happy that makes Hannibal!)
(for the complete review of this particular episode, click here. You might also be interested in some canon Hannibal/Face slashiness. Or maybe you want to take an A-Team quiz, here (find the solution here) Yes, I'm shamelessly pimping my own A-Team stuff, but I really need someone to appreciate the OriginalA-Team with me right now. There's more under the tag.)